The Dark Side of Girl Guide Cookies

When that adorable six-year old in a sash comes to your door selling delicious sugary treats every year, who could possibly say no? Well, it turns out that you probably should.

1. The sales process is coercive

The fact that it’s impossible to refuse one of those kids (unless you’re in a Grinch mood) seems a little off. Saying no makes you feel like a bad person. Girl Scouts limits free choice, kind of like some types of advertising. And if you know the kid, it’s ten times worse. How are you supposed to say no to your family friends’ children without upsetting the delicate sensibilities of their parents? In my opinion, it’s all an elaborate scheme on the part of the corporate to exploit our natural weak spot towards young children to get more money. Don’t let those girls push you around! Shut your door to Girl Scouts!

2. Girl Guides are overly politicized

Many concerned mothers have accused Girl Scouts of indoctrinating their innocent daughters into liberal idealists (which we all know leads to socialism). A little-known fact is that the Girl Scouts of America is actually involved with Planned Parenthood. Which is, in case you were wondering, a newfangled leftist organization devoted to undermining parental rights. Due to Planned Parenthood, our girls can no longer be the innocent young women that they should be as good Christians. If you want your child to have good family values, say no to Girl Scouts!

3. Cookies fund rich corporate leaders

A box of cookies for five dollars actually isn’t that bad price-wise. But guess where the money from those overpriced goes? For the most part, not to paying for badges and shirts, but rather to fund the bureaucrats in charge of the corporate. While some money goes to funding various hiking expeditions, a major portion of it goes into the pockets of executives, whose salaries are still unclear. Stop funding the oppression of working class Americans! Stop buying Girl Scout cookies!

4. Selling cookies is unsafe for the girls

Have you ever considered that sending girls off to knock on the doors of random strangers maybe isn’t the best idea? If you Google it, you’ll find a bunch of news articles detailing how many young girls have been kidnapped, murdered, and assaulted while selling cookies door-to-door. If you’re a parent, try watching your kids while they go selling to strangers, or find a more wholesome youth program that doesn’t involve Stranger Danger!

5. Girl Guide cookies are really bad for you

If you’re not convinced by promoting the general well-being of vulnerable children, think about benefits to you! I won’t include the gory details of their nutritional contents (or rather, lack of nutritional contents), but rest assured that the ingredients are far worse than a little sugar and butter. Some ingredients have been linked to diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, cancer, measles, meningitis, tetanus, common cold, and worst of all, cooties! So take a pass on the cookies and pick up some good healthy red meat instead.

It’s all fine and good to talk about how horrible they are, but will you have the courage to say no to the children at your door and say yes to long-term reform of the Girl Guides organization (or better yet, that it be destroyed in its entirety)? 


Note: in this piece, I use “Girl Scouts” and “Girl Guides” fairly interchangeably, but note that Girl Scouts refers to the American organisation while Girl Guides is its Canadian equivalent. Most of these reasons apply to both, though.


January 12, 2019

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