Raisins: the antagonists of the culinary world

This article will probably seem significantly less academic than the last one, or at the very least of less importance, but I assure you it isn’t. 

The other day, I went to our school cafeteria. I whipped out my lunch card (which I had recently found after having lost it for over three months) and bought myself what looked like a delicious chocolate chip muffin and strolled down the hill to my drama class. Everything was going well. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, which is atypical for a winter day in Vancouver. Little did I know that my good day would soon come to a shocking end. For when I bit into my delectable-looking muffin, I was stunned by the realization that the fixtures that I thought were chocolate chips were in fact raisins. The nasty flavour of the beady little offenders flooded my mouth. The shock almost caused me to fall down the stairs, which my friends found somewhat alarming but not entirely out of character.

Like many others, I am of the opinion that raisins are a sinful good which belong neither in muffins nor anywhere else. Their overly sweet taste and wrinkled texture make them distasteful (to put it lightly) to the vast majority of people with functioning taste buds.

I’m unclear as to why any sane individual would make the horrific decision to include raisins in a recipe for literally anything, from muffins, to oatmeal cookies, to just plain packets of them. Some think that they enjoy oatmeal raisin cookies, but in reality, they just enjoy oatmeal cookies and raisins aren’t actually the thing that adds to the flavour and overall appeal, as Ethan Jasny, an anti-raisin Vancouver youth accurately explains.

Another perspective is the comparison to grapes. Some people prefer the convenience of raisins as a quick snack, even if they like grapes better. Personally, I find grapes problematic, though admittedly not to the same extent as their dried counterparts, but if you’re someone who likes grapes, that’s okay. Just skip out on the raisins, because they’re really not the same thing. If grapes are Jesus (which they’re not), raisins are Satan. If grapes are Chandler, raisins are Janice. If grapes are Harry Potter, raisins are Dolores Umbridge — let’s face it, we all thought Umbridge was more annoying than Voldemort.

So to all those who are considering the use of raisins in baked goods, or otherwise: I urge you to reconsider your choices and have a discussion about the vast harms of raisin consumption, including desensitization of taste buds and immense long term consequences to the palate. Say yes to alternative wholesome snacks such as instant noodles, and say no to raisins.

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